youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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