Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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