You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
