I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
