If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
