I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
