Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
