We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
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