i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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