hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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