Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
