Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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