I cockslap morals
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
