and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
