i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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