I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize