You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
