I think I won the penis lottery.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
