I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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