it's too hot outside to masturbate.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
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