I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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