You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
