I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
