I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
