sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
