I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
