my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
