Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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