i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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