im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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