its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
This gyro tastes like lonliness
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
