Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
