One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
