You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
