i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
