I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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