I cannot find my penis.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
