I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
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She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
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We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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