a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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