the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
