i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Randomize
