You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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