The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
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