ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
