She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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