She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
