the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
