my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
