I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
