Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
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