I am spending my child support on dildos
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
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