I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
