My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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