it's too hot outside to masturbate.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
