No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
