You smell like a Billy Joel song
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Randomize
