hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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