question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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