Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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