i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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