her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
